Greg and I were expecting a baby and lost him. We are broken and hurting and learning how to exist in this surreal new world – while still living in the old one. It feels as if the moment the words ‘no heartbeat’ were uttered the matrix shifted and suddenly we found ourselves in a parallel universe within our previous reality. Almost two weeks later I’m still caught by surprise at how the rest of the world is unchanged by what has happened. To us it feels as though absolutely everything is different.
Before facing it I assumed grief was a stormy and violent place. For some people I am sure it is, but for us it has been very still. There is nothing to do here. We’re taking time off of work and I am resting while my body goes through its own bereavement. We go for walks and try to fill the hours with anything that will comfort or distract us. That’s the thing with a miscarriage, there is nothing that can be done and nothing to do. It’s just over and that’s it.
But of course that’s not it. Our son is gone and we have to find our way through every minute and hour and day for the rest of the time we have left.
I have been making my way through this temporary state of suspension with the help of movement, sunshine, reading, and journaling. All which have conspired to lead me here. Writing about something so personal and sharing it in a public way is something I never would have previously considered. This is new territory for me and a sign of deep change. Surprisingly it isn’t uncomfortable or unwelcome and that is the glimmer of silver I needed to see.
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